This week I hit a day where ‘Giving Up’ seemed to be my minds mantra. I just ran out of steam and even simple thought processing was a chore. I was the epitome of the ‘hormonal’ woman. Tears seemed to want to leak out at every turn and my doomsday nerve thought it needed to be heard and exercised. My body and mind were exhausted. I spent the day reading a novel and escaping my own thoughts as best I could.
By the end of the day I battled feelings of failure. As to me, nothing productive had been accomplished. The next morning I awoke as usual, blessed to have opened my eyes to the start of another day, filled with the presence of my loved ones and to the realization that I had not failed the day before. I had succeeded in giving myself and my body what it needed. I day to just be. To breath and to heal from the pressures our daily lives put us through.
I think we too often forget to listen to the signals our own minds and bodies send us. We motor forward at break neck speeds fearing not getting done. When taking a break and looking after ourselves is just as important as that next deadline.
I am glad I did stop for a moment. I am glad I allowed myself that one day of ‘giving up’, of letting go and finding a way to divert my mind. For life is full of mountains and hills. If it weren’t for that one day, I would not have had the strength to see the rest of this week through effectively.
So I have decided to embark on a list of projects that may just drive me mad.
At least you will get a front row seat if that should happen, could be interesting….
Last night we received the latest Neuropsych report for our Intellectual Thunderstorm. I cannot say that it said anything we did not already suspect or know, however it has definitively made me realize that I am going to have to get a move on in helping him achieve his goals. Outpatient Therapies are not widely available in our fund brackets at present but we are not going to let that stop his progress. Currently he is functioning at a level of between 5 and 7 years below his actual age. The silver lining is that the areas in which he achieves an older functioning level, are those we have developed through therapies and at home support. This proves that his brain is able to learn, albeit a little slower than most.
In my research on Neuroplasticity, I came across information from Debbie Hampton as well as the TED talk given by Barbara-Arrowsmith Young. Reading and listening to their stories I have a renewed motivation to get as much information and start helping our Intellectual Thunderstorm overcome the blocks he has, so he can achieve his dreams. I know this is going to be a challenge worth taking.
So here I sit, planning and trying to sort out HOW I am going to fit it all in.
- Research and learn Neuroplasticity
- Finish the Book Keeping course I am doing (this will provide income hopefully to help fund further studies and therapies)
- Research and get our veggie patch up and running (to provide food and lessen household expenses)
- Help the pink whirlwind re-decorate her bedroom
- Learn DBT so I can reinforce what our Intellectual Thunderstorm has been taught in therapy
- Find time to paint (to stave off the madness)
- Blog (as important a release as painting)
- Redo Motorcycle learners so can attain wind therapy for self…
The list of TO DO’s grows by the day BUT, I will make it. There is thankfully no lack of family support…..
Any suggestions, helpful hints and tips, or research resources any of you have, will be greatly appreciated.
And yes, that farm is still somewhere in the cards for the future…..
Can’t believe we are 14 days into the new year already. It seemed set to start off as a brilliant one. Our Intellectual Thunderstorm acquired another Volunteer position at a Specialist Vet clinic and was doing great, full week. We felt sure this was the turnaround point. We read about how a school, just like what we wanting to open, has opened its doors this Jan in another province. Contacts have been made. Our efforts in finding land to start our school haven’t been going so well but with all the other pluses we were on great footing anyway.
Then today the message came through, “Sorry to have to say but due to some issues we will no longer be requiring his help”
My heart hit the floor faster than a toddler’s breakfast porridge and felt about the same. I just sat, holding back tears and thinking…. “where to now?”
Needless to say I had to go fetch him, he is naturally devastated and emotionally punishing himself, words I hate hearing flying out of his mouth. Self-damaging talk. The emotional damage and self-esteem will take time to heal, we will move forward slowly and learn from this experience. There is no better teacher than life, if we choose to learn from its lessons.
I have calmly asked what the issues were so we can address them and he can learn. Turns out it wasn’t his lack of ability in work, but rather his inability to understand the social norms and etiquette required in social interactions. This has caused the problem. Management feel he does not fit in.
We have learnt already in this life how not everyone has the ability to understand his differences and not every environment is suited to them either. We will return to the drawing board and regroup. He has a way to go and much to learn. Maybe this new school is a new door opening, if all pans out and jobs can be found that side…who knows.
My feelings at the moment are a mix of heartbroken mother and unyielding optimist. I will take a moment… and allow him his. Then we will get back to work. Opportunities knock on the doors of those who are ready to answer.
My Intellectual Thunderstorm is battling through a tough week. Bouts of anger, anxiety and utter confusion in his own mind. His need to have a ‘normal’ social life conflicts with his current inability to cope with the emotional and psychological demands that the world outside brings. Demands the rest of us shrug off as just another daily humdrum are like climbing Mt Kilimanjaro for him, emotionally and physically taxing his system till breakdown point.
Being an adult in this world with the ability to navigate its harsh edges with a bit more understanding is hard enough. I watch him battle, my heart burning in pain for him, knowing that no matter how many times or ways I explain it, he still won’t understand. A sad reality of life, we need to live it to gain the experience it so harshly dishes up. The experience so needed to survive in a time when humanity batters and bruises the souls of those they do not understand with their ignorance. Imagine being a child with the intelligence to know you are different and with the dreams and hopes as big and as vast as anyone else could imagine. Yet on the inside, one who is unable on most days to understand his own mind, never mind the complexities of the rules of a society that refuses to see past that difference.
We need to stop and realize that someone seeing the world differently to you does not make them less acceptable or wrong. How could we possibly see the world the same if we haven’t all lived the same life.
Well its a start. Emails sent, appointments made and docs downloaded. I’m feeling daunted and excited at the same time. Feel like I am walking on a wall, one side is failure and the other success. I am trying to keep my eyes on the success side. Got a response from a prominent person I emailed, can’t decide if it was a good mail or a bad one. On one hand I am absolutely amazed that they responded…and so quickly to boot, took all of 12 hrs, I didn’t even really think I would get a response… so miracle number 1. On the other hand though they didn’t sound too hopeful that this will kick off. They have tried on another side of things and the red tape is apparently miles long and keeps changing.
I am determined though, my heart says its right and my brain is saying failure is not an option. Change is made by those who are crazy enough to try and keep trying. Page one has started so let’s see where this books story goes……