Shazzies Creations

From heart to Art… My world on a page

Tag: love

Today’s not the Today I planned

Today I was meant to be sharing joyful news. Today was meant to be a happy moment of telling the world that Bearded Biker and I would be having our first baby together, but sometimes our Todays dont go the way we plan them and life rewrites our Todays with tears.

So Today, I am telling you Lifes version of my Today, we lost our little New beginning.

Reasons why are not available to us at the moment but since it is now my third miscarraige, the Obgyn has decided blood tests to rule out an Autoimmune Diesease are now nessecary. I find myself in a catch 22 – I in no way want to be diagnosed and live with that prognosis but on the other side of the coin, to have an actual reason behind having to have three precious Dreams become Fairy Tales would bring some closure.

We thankfully have an amazing support system around us and are holding onto our Faith that All things work for our good, even in our moments of not knowing the why’s, we hold fast to that. In this new road we find ourselves travelling we will watch for those we may encounter whose lives will enrich ours and whose lives we can enrich. Be it through the comfort of a shared Journey or the support we can give wherever it is needed.

We go through things in life that we cannot always understand or explain. Things that knock us down and tear us apart, through these events though we grow and find strength we didn’t know we possessed. We gain knowledge and wisdom that further down our journey in life we can use, whether it be in our own lives or in the lives of those brought into our story.

 

Found @
https://peacefuldiary.com/products/grow-through-what-you-go-through

Found @ http://www.picturequotes.com/when-something-bad-happens-you-can-either-let-it-define-you-let-it-destroy-you-or-you-can-let-it-strengthen-you-quote-9573

Heavens Strings

Time often seems so fleeting that I wonder if I have even taken a breathe let alone seen 4 weeks go by. Yet in these rare and quiet moments I can remember all those little things that have been successes or failures, the lessons as well as the motivators.

I attended a ride out to escort a young boy who was graduating. There were 18 Bikers all together for a cause. This youngster had lost his mom and his dad was trying to make the day a little more special. It was an amazing yet emotional adventure. Riding behind his car I thought of my Intellectual Thunderstorm and how he would not have this graduation event in his life. I felt honored to be able to share this moment, a mom with a son who would not graduate at the graduation of a son who’s mom was unable to be there. 

Yet even though that is the case, I know I am extremely blessed to have him still in my life.  Even though he suffers struggles and fears, I get to see him overcome and succeed.

Over the last few months I have witnessed the heartbreaking struggle of an acquaintance who lost her precious child, only 9 Years old.   Life is full of moments that put our struggles into perspective. Help us see the silver lining s in our storms.

Its those small silver linings that shine the tendrils of light into those dark days, the strings from above that we can grasp onto and hold tight till the sun peers through and our strength is rewarded.

Sun Rays

found at http://imgfave.com/view/3719038?r=pin and jmbrns.tumblr.com

 

 

 

Just a Day

This week I hit a day where ‘Giving Up’ seemed to be my minds mantra. I just ran out of steam and even simple thought processing was a chore. I was the epitome of the ‘hormonal’  woman. Tears seemed to want to leak out at every turn and my doomsday nerve thought it needed to be heard and exercised.  My body and mind were exhausted. I spent the day reading a novel and escaping my own thoughts as best I could.

By the end of the day I battled feelings of failure. As to me, nothing productive had been accomplished. The next morning I awoke as usual, blessed to have opened my eyes to the start of another day, filled with the presence of my loved ones and to the realization that I had not failed the day before. I had succeeded in giving myself and my body what it needed. I day to just be. To breath and to heal from the pressures our daily lives put us through.

I think we too often forget to listen to the signals our own minds and bodies send us. We motor forward at break neck speeds fearing not getting done. When taking a break and looking after ourselves is just as important as that next deadline.

I am glad I did stop for a moment. I am glad I allowed myself that one day of ‘giving up’, of letting go and finding a way to divert my mind. For life is full of mountains and hills. If it weren’t for that one day, I would not have had the strength to see the rest of this week through effectively.

look-after-yourself

One foot forward

Some days ‘schooling’ us all is a life lesson in patience and perseverance. I may just land up Virtues one day…..scary thought…

Currently the Intellectual thunderstorm is doing his utmost to avoid his OT homework, he has an indefinite amount of excuses and for every solution there is another excuse. At least we know he is currently using his intellectual abilities, albeit in the wrong direction. He has at least agreed to some slow and steady, a little here and a little there…progress. I know he finds self-reflection hard as it brings up so many emotional soft spots for him.

The pink whirlwind is either exceptionally bored with her work or she may be suffering from a concentration issues. We going to have to look into that. At present she seems to feel the need to ‘fake’ actually getting done, even though she knows it gets checked….never have understood the concept of voluntarily getting yourself into trouble. I would have said she may be looking for attention but we are doing a lot together lately to try stave that possibility off.

I….am feeling Information overload! I am going to have to deal though. I have just four months left to complete this ‘Business Fundamentals’ course. As much as it feels like info overload I am pretty sure it is more the fact that it is not my favorite topic. Although it will be highly beneficial for all the future projects we have lined up, so I will persevere and get done.

We have some great stuff lined up though, we have booked for a charity market stall at the end of October, the Intellectual Thunderstorm is slowly creating some artworks to sell, as am I. It feels really great to get back into my art. Nothing better than smudgy pastel ridden fingers and creativity blooming under your thumb. Will post some pictures of our work soon. The Pink Whirlwind is currently looking for great Dog Treat Recipes (She is testing them on the new member of our family, our rescue pup) so she can sell some nutritious Doggy Treats at the market. Cooking has become her favorite past time of late. I have to say in terms of the ‘Human Food’ she most definitely has a talent. Our lovable Biker Babe is motivating us all on and pitching in where he can.

I have also started a new contract job, brings in enough to cover expenses for now and allows me free time for the brood and for myself…..and….I finally started writing my book, it has taken 3 years to actually start it but I am really proud to say I have.

My favorite  happening at the moment though is our garden. Must be because we were without one for so long. Our peaches have arrived and are growing, the fig tree has woken up and our Mulberry tree is heavy with both fruit and weaver birds nests. The garden is alive with singing and new beginnings. The Pink Whirlwind is in awe every day with the new things she sees. The vegetable seeds have not sprouted yet, so I think I went wrong somewhere there and I definitely did kill those poor rose bushes. Bearded Biker kindly got me some seedlings to plant so my vegetable patch would not look so bare, thankfully those are surviving my beginners hands.

And as much as life gets tough and we have to some days pick our feet up with our hands and get moving, the results will be worth the effort.

One of our little sprouts....

One of our little sprouts….

Whiteboard Therapy

Whiteboard therapy, that’s where we are. After more meltdowns and drama through the days in our home it came to ‘Desperate times call for desperate measures’

So off we went, bought 4 whiteboards and put ‘Family boot camp’ in action. We had total tech block-out for the weekend and communication was taken down to a very basic form. Straight words strung together to convey a need, want or opinion. No tones of voice, no sarcasm or misunderstanding of jokes. We all had to ‘speak’ by writing it down and reading.

Sounds strange but it worked so well. The two kids didn’t even have ructions between each other. There was no shouting, misunderstandings or anger outbursts and everyone got along and got stuff done.

Its amazing how when it takes a little more effort to convey your message, how you quickly abandon the unnecessary, hurtful behaviors to get someone else into trouble or say something spiteful. When you have to take the time to read the message and respond by having to write it out, it led everyone to act on thinking before speaking as it took time, you process whats ‘said’ and what you going to say, eliminating those quick responses that lack thought.

So we had a quiet, peaceful house and we have learnt a lot.

Our Intellectual Thunderstorm said it helped him a lot as he didn’t get so stressed out and bombarded by his senses when life through a curve ball he couldn’t quite process.

So in light of this we have adopted a strategy that when a subject may be distressful,  a request too much to process quickly or a reprimand given we will use the whiteboard to communicate. Eliminating the tones of voice, giving time for the brain to process and understand and the ability to respond in a calmer more thought out manner.

Our Pink Whirlwind is learning slowly that not every thought she has needs to be voiced to Everyone All the time…..

 

Life’s Pain and Pleasure

And here we stand, after years of fighting we are finally getting closer to the truth. The hard part…. realizing that the truth may not be all you hoped it would be but knowing it is still necessary to know.

My Intellectual Thunderstorm is causing quite a buzz in the medical circles he is involved in at present.  Myriad’s of tests have been lined up and he will be a documented case for future medical students to learn from. He is caught between feeling anxious and scared and at the same time feeling a little famous; finally his differences are being noticed not by glaring and rude kids trying to get a laugh at his expense but rather by adults with gleaming excitement in their eyes.

I’m not quite sure where I am on the scale of emotions at present.  Years of hoping that the truth would lead to a cure or treatment that would make his life better and easier for once, were shattered with the new knowledge that whichever Disorder this turns out to be, it will be a symptomatic treatment process with possible further future hurdles still to come. At the same time though, I am elated at finally having a team of passionate and heartfelt specialists who are no longer going to allow him to fall through the cracks. I know we need the answers so that no matter what the future holds we will be better prepared for it.

I hope that through our struggles, future children like him will not go so easily dismissed. That those who will learn from his medical reports and history will go out to be better Doctors with an eye for the small things and a heart that will listen to those mothers a little more closely.

We have also through all this realized the lack of educational facilities in our country for children with similar problems, this has led to our decision to start the process towards starting a support group, as well as a school, where teens like my Intellectual Thunderstorm can come to learn in an environment that celebrates their differences and understands their struggles. A small home away from home, where they can find their place in life.

For now though…. we taking a day off…. to celebrate our little Pink Whirlwinds Birthday.

The Little Things

It’s been quite a hectic last couple of weeks. Life has spun by at an alarming rate with Doctors visits, bouts of illness and work drama’s. All typical of life.  After a ‘catch up’ session with a friend the other day I was asked how am I still standing. I realized its not something I have ever thought about. I just get up and do, there isn’t really any other option. So I have been thinking, what is it that helps me to keep moving forward instead of just ‘checking out’ so to say.

While taking a little break from it all the other day (I was painting my very sweet ‘wizard’ elf I got for Mothers Day) my daughter sat beside me and said, ‘I think Bearded Biker is the best man ever mom, he is lovable, caring,  funny and always tells the truth’ A point I know and will always cherish but to hear it from the innocent mouth of a child and to know she feels that way is a pleasure. I have to credit him for always being there to give me a hand on those days when the ‘get up and go’ is a little harder to do. Also, as much as my son is having this struggle and its been a battle for years to find answers, I take comfort in the little steps, we may not be there yet but we are closer than ever before. (Here I need to add that as much as some belittle the government hospitals and care here, there truly are passionate and caring doctors and nurses working in these places, so far the best care and willingness to help and find the answers has been from these precious people.) My daughter is healthy and full of spark and where before life seemed peachy on the outside, it was devoid of true friendship and emotional safety; Now we have a home, not a mansion filled with things but a home, walls and a roof filled with loving people.

So I guess the main aspect for me that works is trying to focus on the little things in life that are right, those small things that we might miss or lose sight of in the efforts to keep our  heads above the water. I find that dwelling on the hurdles in front of us lends itself to us falling down, they seem larger than they really are. Instead aim your sites on the end goal, the finish line if you will. Keeping the hurdles in view but not your main focus allows the mind to see the bigger picture, you can plan better and have more room to breathe. Remember how far you have come and all you have already accomplished, no matter how small the victory, it’s still that…. a Victory. Instead of sitting at night counting all the wrong and downer things that have happened or the things we didn’t get done, list the small steps you made towards the end goal and if you sitting there saying ‘It didn’t work out!’ remember, at least you tried! That’s a step forward too.

PicsArt_1432133916359

 

Ode to the “Delinquents” mom

As a mom of a “Delinquent”, a perverse and crude term used by those who cannot understand the struggles of the tattered and beautiful souls of the children, teens and adults that struggle with a mental illness. I am writing this to salute all those moms out there who have walked the road with their precious child. I write to the moms today as here by us it’s Mothers Day. Please by no means am I excluding those fathers and guardians who walk this same road. This post is for you as well.

To the moms that have endured the sideways glances and disproving head shakes. To those who suffer the needless criticism about their lack of correct discipline. To those who have felt the sting of the Judgmental looks and comments. I salute you. I salute you for your perseverance, your unyielding love and for getting up each day and taking those steps forward. I salute you for your passion and devotion to helping your beautiful and tattered soul of a child find a future in this cruel world.

To all the loved ones that support and hold the hand of these moms… Thank You…

As a mom I was told for the first 8 years of my precious child’s life that I was being paranoid, only to be told just before his 9th birthday (thanks to a Doctor who took the time to really care) that my child had a severe abnormality in his brain. It has been another 7 years and multitudes of Doctors later and we are still looking for answers. I have grabbed at every possible opportunity and pursued every lead.  Finally we have the ember that may just light the candle that will lead us to the bright sunlight of truth and the ability to prepare fully for his future. It’s not about being hung up on a diagnosis, its about knowing a prognosis, this gives us the ability to plan and know where we headed.

To all you out there walking this hard road, I know that some days are so dark you cant see a way forward, some days feel like an endless and useless battle. I know those moments where you wonder why. You look up and wanna yell and scream. The days you wish you could give up but you love to much to do that. I know the heartache of wishing for a break but feeling so guilty for wanting it. It’s ok. Remember you’re human and when you feel alone, remember you are not. Wherever you are, those of us on that road are with you in spirit.

To the tattered and beautiful souls out there struggling to make your way in this world, we are with you too. We know the pain you feel, the rejection, the fear, the anger and confusion. We know you don’t even know half the time why you feel that way. We know it’s hard to keep a lid on your anxiety’s and fears, the anger that boils and spews. Just remember, get up each day, do your part and participate with the doctors. One day there will be light, there IS a future and you are not alone.

To those watching, PLEASE, don’t be so quick to judge. Yes some people out there are just mean, arrogant and lazy, but others are struggling with a disorder or an illness you just cannot see. Just because someone looks healthy and “normal” doesn’t mean there isn’t a hidden issue, and trust me, a parent that has a child suffering has read every book they can get their hands on, they have tried all the parenting strategies and discipline possibilities. Think how you battled to deal with “that child” for the few moments you spent with them, imagine living with them….do you not think that parent hasn’t exhausted every method possible to help their child as they have to live with them?

Stay strong and keep putting each foot in front of the other. I am with you and I know one day things will be ok.

 

 

 

In the pursuit of craziness

Craziness to me is the ability to be uniquely free, totally myself without fearing what others say or think of me. Its taken a long Journey so far to get to the point of appreciating who I am as an individual.

Last night I remembered the moment when my daughter was five years of age and met my then boss/employer for the first time, she simply stated in all the innocents of a child….’My mom’s Crazy!’ my bosses reply with a broad smile while looking at me was, ‘when did you get out?’ He was thankfully a lawyer with a great sense of humour.

Before I started working at his firm I was a wife, a mother and a bit of a lost soul. My world got altered when at 17 I fell pregnant with the child of my high school sweetheart and proceeded against the advice of my family (like all teens) to get married. I, like so many thought with love all things can be ‘fixed’ you cant fix a broken and beautiful disaster of a soul if they are not willing to be helped. My sweetheart was a man whose ability to love with fire and passion was as intense as his red hot temper. Needless to say life was lived on a floor made of egg shells with temporary respites of cushioned clouds. We lived life and I do have cherished memories but in all of it I was so busy pretending on most days that I lost the ability to be the self I had been discovering as an early teen.

Then one night the world spun and I was left with the tatters of bare coloured strings, the tapestry of the life I knew had been shredded. We went from a family of 4 to just 3 and I was left to be a mom and dad. For months I struggled to find my feet, thankfully I have an amazing family that’s support I am forever grateful for. In those months I regained parts of myself and started to explore. The poetry that had been silent for years flowed and I began to paint again.

Tenderly at first I walked toward the crazy side. The law firm I worked at was not one that’s clients came to the office often, we dealt with corporates mostly. There with my Crazy Cuzz at my side I blossomed into the new me. There were days of Henna tattoos (I now have real ones) and bare feet as I joined in on awareness campaigns. Days of open umbrellas down indoor staircases….in my defense I really didn’t want the debris from the renovations landing in my hair 🙂   so when my little pink whirlwind made her statement it didn’t come as a surprise to my boss. Being who I am though, the legal world was not mine and eventually we parted ways but I will remember those moments and people dearly.

The journey is a continuing one and since those days I have grown more and more. I have made many mistakes and have gained friends and lost some. In life as they say, everyone passes through for a reason, some stay and others are for a season. Today I journey through life with my two gorgeous children and an amazing man who I am blessed to say loves every one of my quirks, some days he laughs and shakes his head saying, ‘you’re so cute’ other days he’s leading the crazy train 😀  My family are by my side still, another blessing, and I have a small but treasured group of friends who are more like family.

A poem I wrote a few months ago about the Journey thus far.

Life’s Journey

To the ones that I have loved
And the ones that I have lost
To the ones that left and the ones I let go
Through all these years
And all these tears
Through the births of precious children
And the deaths of those I have held so dear
To friends and to family
To the lovers and the foes
Each of you have brought to life
Many lesson’s, blessings and some of you strife.
I still thank you all
No matter what your role
For each moment
Be it pain, joy or peace
That has led me to be exactly as I was meant to be

Found @ www.lovethispic.com

 

 

 

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